


we both matter, don’t we?

by itsgameover



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Not What It Looks Like, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Psychological Trauma, X-EXO Clone Kim Jongin | Kai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:01:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27808774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsgameover/pseuds/itsgameover
Summary: Jongin is a compassionate soul, Kai is afraid of loud noises. Thunderstorms shatter the sky.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Kim Jongin | Kai
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39
Collections: EXODEUX Round 1





	we both matter, don’t we?

**Author's Note:**

> Written fo EXODEUX, Prompt ED41.

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

Jongin is rubbing his forehead with a wet rug when too thin fingers wrap around his wrist tightly, desperately. The pain lasts only for a moment, as the fingers seem to lose strength and the hold loosens, sliding down Jongin’s forehead. Jongin sighs deeply, takes the hand away and lets it rest on the side of the unconscious man’s body.

It’s the third time this has happened since Jongin carried the Clone away from the battlefield. Wounded as he was, blood slowly pooling under his torso, with stormy skies ahead, Jongin knew the Clone wouldn’t make it through the night. And he is a compassionate fool who couldn’t leave him out there to die, so he harbored what little energy he had left, put the man over his shoulders and teleported to that cave where he and Chanyeol had taken refuge a few nights before.

As soon as he arrived he collapsed on his knees, Clone still on his back, and it took him more than an hour to be in a condition good enough to help the wounded creature. Then it had been a battle with his subconscious, all his moral and ethical thoughts suddenly wanting a part of the cake, because stripping the Clone to clean his wounds would be invasive but then again it was a carbon copy of himself, he knew that he would want to be treated respectfully but also be healed properly. 

He did what his moral compass dictated him, check for wounds and if necessary remove whatever clothes he needed to treat them. Luckily, the biggest issues he had to deal with were located all above the waist, burns and nasty cuts, deep enough to cause a lot of hemorragia, but not too deep as to cause actual damage.

‘You lucked out’ Jongin thinks, cleaning the feverish man’s forehead, hot as a furnace, ‘Baekhyun would have stabbed you in the heart, Chanyeol could only attempt to do it’. He missed, thankfully. From an external perspective no vital organs seemed to be damaged, still the wound had gotten infected and Jongin only had so much antibiotics and pure alcohol to clean his wound. Poor Clone will have to stay still for longer than a few days to be able to fully recover. 

Jongin thinks he is a fool for trying to save a Clone. It’s been years since this whole mess started and the only constant has been near death scenarios caused by these individuals with twisted orbits and powers equal to those EXO has since birth. These creatures are evil to the core, rotten, dark and powerful. Didn’t they almost kill Junmyeon, lured away from water and cornered by clone-Sehun? If Junmyeon is still alive it is because he had a good knife and the scar across clone-Sehun’s right eye is enough proof that you should never mess with a man like him. 

The scar also proved that X-EXO were humans, just like their original counterparts, or at least had the same physical structure as them. Red blood, soft flesh. It became clear to EXO then, the clones weren’t invincible, they were killable. 

It would have been so easy for him to leave his Clone to die, after all there are worse ways to go that under the open sky, covered in rain. And yet, Jongin knows himself enough to be able to admit that he wouldn’t have been able to live knowing he did nothing to help a dying man. No matter how evil that man is, his is a life worth saving, still. 

The sun has risen and fallen four times before the Clone awakes and he does so with a panicked look and forcefully wrapping both of Jongin’s wrists with his slender fingers. 

“Calm down” Jongin says, to the clone, to himself, to both “I’m not trying to hurt you, you were wounded, touch your head and you’ll see” the Clone narrows his eyes, black pupils blown wide in the middle of unnerving pale blue eyes. He seems to still doubt him, but his fingers loosen around Jongin’s wrists, recoiling as far as possible from Jongin, back against the rough surface of the cave’s walls, snarling first, showing his front teeth like some sort of wild animal, then covering his hands protectively around his naked chest as he winces in pain. 

“It’s ok, it’s ok, calm down,” Jongin raises his hands, showing himself in a way that he hopes shows just how vulnerable he is at the moment too, unarmed and alone. “Please don’t move too much, it took too long to stitch you up and I’m almost out of thread to fix it”

The Clone’s brows furrow as he looks down, staring at his exposed chest, fingertips touching the dozens blueish green blemishes. The touches are careful, but still make him twist his face in an expression full of pain. Jongin feels sorry for him. 

“Hey, it’s ok. I have some food here” he turns to his backpack, abandoned in a corner of the cave over some stones “Here, it’s jerky. You need some carbs if you want to get better quickly.”

The Clone looks at him with confusion, anger, perhaps even fear. 

_ Huh _ . Jongin has never come across his clone in battle, always facing clone-Baekhyun and his slim sword or clone-Junmyeon and his eerie blue eyes, but what his friends always said is that his clone was a beast, a monster, fast and mean, cruel. More often than not the other clones would put him on a leash, dragging him like a feral dog, tantalizing EXO with the threat of letting their pet devour their bones. 

Jongin doesn’t see a feral dog in this broken man that snatches the jerky from his hand and devours it like a starving creature, keeping an eye on Jongin as if he could betray him at any given moment. If anything, this is a wounded puppy licking his wounds. Jongin smiles sadly, he truly feels sorry for this poor creature. 

The night is cold and unforgiving, rain pours down heavily, there is a rustle of tree branches being shaken under the harsh wind. Jongin sleeps seated, has been sleeping like this since they were forced out of their home to face a battle for their lives. It’s easier to defend yourself if you are sleeping against a wall, if you have a knife under your blanket, if you know something is coming and are ready to fight for your life. 

There is a pang of anger where his heart should be, rage against the world, the light and the darkness, against the clones that have made their lives hell, against Junmyeon for refusing to accept that Kyungsoo’s death was his fault for letting him face two clones at once. Jongin knows those clones, have seen the shape of clone-Minseok’s eerie eyes enough to have nightmares, but has never been able to cast his revenge properly. 

Yixing tells him that victory will be the greatest revenge, but he mourns him all the same. So yes, Jongin sometimes dreams of choking the man meant to be his clone, of yelling at him all the things that he wants, of letting him know just how tired Jongin is of all this senseless fighting. 

But the furious storm inside his chest is smothered soon enough, because the beast of his nightmares is not the poor man on the opposite side of the cave. A fresh wave of concern hits him when he opens his eyes and sees the trembling shape of his Clone, burrowing inside his small blanket, scurrying away from the sounds of the storm. 

“Are you scared of the storm?” he asks, the fire he set to make some impromptu dinner is now casting large shadows on the cave’s rocky walls, making the fear in those intense pale eyes shine ten times brighter. The Clone winces, grimaces and shakes, bending over and hugs himself. “Hey, hey!” he calls, the Clone eyes him from underneath his long lashes, tears spilling. “Wait a minute” Jongin picks his blanket, picks his discarded sweater, the one thing he has used since he became a soldier in a never ending war, and hastens to the side of the clone, that does nothing but watch him in silence as Jongin takes both of their blankets and layers them over their legs, offering his shoulder with a pat and nodding when the Clone slowly rises, wincing but still wary, and rests against Jongin’s body. 

“Good night” he says then, closing his eyes to display trust but still patting his right leg, feeling the edge of the blade underneath his clothes. 

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

It must be true what Suho said, EXO is a group of fools. Who else would dare to sleep with a beast? Then he asks, deep inside his mind, if is it courage or insanity what leads a good man to sleep with a foul creature like himself? 

Kai stares at him, at the sleeping figure by his side, draped in comfortable battle wear. He is awake long before dawn, not used to sleeping surrounded by warmth. More often than not he didn’t even have a proper place to sleep, a few used quilts to rest and an overhang as his only shelter, and there were screams and kicks waking him up every morning, commanding him to move. 

He is not used to sleeping well nor comfortably, so he is just waiting for the soldier to pick his weapons and slice him now that Kai doesn’t even have the strength to teleport too far away. 

He, a sad and pathetic little creature, made peace with death that day in the open field, when the Chanyeol with brown eyes stabbed him. Yet he didn’t die, kept on  _ feeling _ . One day he was coddled by tender coolness sliding against his too hot skin, then he felt spoon-fed food propped against his lips, then tepid water to sate his thirst. One day he woke up and the foolish man in front of him was his image, just less damaged, just more loved. 

Kai stares at the silhouette that resembles him so much, yet varies in so many things. His open eyes had been like melted honey, looking at him without an inch of fear. Weird, EXO are weird. Or at least this man, Jongin, who he is made to mirror, is weird. 

Chanyeol looked at him with disgust and fear, with a thirst for blood. Kai had acted the part, taught to be nothing but brutal. He has no home, no place to feel warm and secure, but he gets food and shelter if he behaves how the Red Force wants him to behave. 

So, Kai bites and snarls, moves unpredictably and distorted, drool dripping down his chin as if he were a ravenous creature. He is not such a thing, but he plays pretend, willing to bare his throat to the brothers who instead of praising him for his efforts, kick his side and call him cruel names. He is a dog, an animal, a worthless little thing, he learnt his place. He knows his name and who he is meant to be. 

But when Jongin wakes and finds Kai staring at him, the original man doesn’t cower, and doesn't tremble with fear. Jongin merely eyes him weird for a moment, then stands up, folding the blanket in two and placing it on top of Kai’s lap. 

“Good morning, how are you feeling?”

Kai stares at him with narrowed eyes and furrowed brow. 

“I take it you are not in so much pain anymore, right?”

Kai nods, hesitantly. 

“Good,” Jongin says, then he bends to pick something from his backpack, coming back to Kai with a canteen “I still have some fresh water here” he leans forward, stretching his arm with the canteen in hand. 

Kai sees the moment almost in slow motion and flinches, back hitting the wall behind him. For a moment, the blurry shape of EXO’s teleporter became one and the same with Suho, filled with glee and malice as he leaned to hit Kai for being such a whiny dog. He would try to bite him, to fight back as best as he could, but Kai is now a wounded and vulnerable pathetic lump of flesh, he can’t defend himself no matter how hard he tries. 

The man in front of him is truly a mirror of his own face. Kai sees it when Jongin freezes, eyes wide open. Then he stands up straight and simply leaves the canteen on the floor in front of him, stepping back with both hands raised. 

“Drink it” the man commands, voice unwavering “Then I’ll go find some more” 

Kai stares at the canteen, arms folded around his chest protectively, still feeling his wounds throb whenever he presses too hard. Under the intense scrutiny of the man he resembles, Kai takes the canteen but doesn’t make a move to open it. 

A long time ago, when he had barely been created, his brothers realised he couldn’t speak. Suho reported it to the Red Force scientists that looked over them and Kai was secluded away with chains around his wrists and ankles, muzzle on his mouth. They let him hours upon hours without something to drink, lips breaking and blistering around the muzzle. When he finally was allowed to drink something, it was poisoned. The scientists intended on erasing this poor faulty copy of EXO’s Jongin, restarting Project 88. 

But the thing is, the poison didn’t kill him. His body was stronger than what they thought it would be, but the pain he suffered until the poison was out of his system is too much a vivid memory for him to so willingly drink out of the hands of his enemy.

“It’s not poison,” EXO’s very own and perfect 88 assures, almost as if he could read Kai’s mind. 

Kai doesn’t move, eyes fixated on Jongin’s expression, that goes from neutral to sad to pissed off in a second. He snatches the canteen from Kai’s hands and takes a swig

“See? Not poisonous” he puts the canteen on the floor once more, tapping it with the tip of his boot “Drink or you’ll be dehydrated. I didn’t make all the effort to save you from a stab wound just to see you die now. Please”

Kai nods softly and drinks water, his parched throat thanking him for the blessing, even if the price is death.

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

The clone is certainly stranger than what Jongin hoped it would be. For one, he refuses to speak with him, and while he was aware that he didn’t act like an entirely sane person on battlefields, he didn’t expect him to give him the cold shoulder after rescuing him. 

Then, as he is walking through dense vegetation, hearing the faint noise of water flowing, it occurs to him that maybe the poor clone can’t talk. What if he is shell shocked? It would explain the irrational reactions and the nightmares, or what Jongin thinks were nightmares, moments when the clone retorted in his sleep, biting the air and then recoiling with furrowed brows. 

Maybe he is as scared of Jongin as Jongin is scared of him, and the fear has his throat shut. It would make sense, the dude almost died weeks ago and now is barely recovering his movement, and it’s all slow and painful. As far as he is concerned, he is still an easy target. 

Jongin’s knife in his back pocket, the one Baekhyun gave them with a last goodbye consisting of ‘stick’em with the pointy end and don’t let them hit you first’, reminds him that he could very much end him and he’d be free to go. But he can’t, he won’t do it, the poor man is in such a state of vulnerability that even a wild beast could take him. 

And Jongin, born and raised to be good, to show mercy to every creature known to mankind, can’t turn his back on someone who needs him. 

He returns to the hideout with his canteen full of water and the steady sound of a song stuck in the back of his mind. Jongin looks over at the clone, clumped over the blanket he slept with, eyes closed and body limp. He approaches gently, stopping a few steps away when he sees his chest rising and falling. Ok, so he is alive. That’s good. 

He busies himself with a small fire, idly thinking about how much simpler this would be if Chanyeol was around to set fire to the small pieces of chipped wood, and boiling the water to make it as close as possible to drinking water. 

Somewhere down the line, Jongin got lost in his thoughts, unconsciously singing that tiny little song he remembers from a long time ago. And when he sits back on his haunches, watching the water boil, he hears the sound of fingers clicking. He looks over his shoulder, still singing softly, and finds the disheveled clone moving his head slowly, almost as if he was afraid it would fall off or as if he didn’t have energy to move it faster. 

“Do you know the song?”

The man nods, staring at him with narrowed eyes.

“It’s nice, isn’t it?” Jongin smiles, looking at this wrecked mirror of himself slumped by the rough walls of this cave “If you know the lyrics you can sing too,” he teases, hopefully building a bridge with this broken man. 

The clone shakes his head. 

“You don’t know the lyrics?”

The clone shakes his head. 

“Ok, if you don’t want to talk to me then I won’t bother you,” Jongin turns back to the water. A clap calls his attention. The clone is now sitting on his knees, reaching for him with a stretched arm. “What?” The clone gestures at his mouth then shakes his head. 

Jongin stares at him for a long time. The clone rolls his eerie eyes and repeats the motion. Jongin is still visibly confused, because the wounded man makes a cross with his fingers, tapping his lips repeatedly. 

And then, Jongin gets it.

“You can’t speak?” he asks and gapes when the clone confirms it with a head nod. “Why? Is your throat hurt?” 

The clone shrugs, leans back against the wall, wincing and wrapping an arm around his middle. 

“Hmm, has it always been like this for you?”

The man nods, then grabs the blanket and turns to the wall. A few moments later, Jongin hears him snore and smiles softly. 

That explains his silence. And even if it makes Jongin sad to think of a life without singing -badly, greatly, mediocrely-, for some reason he feels a little close(r) to the man that mirrors him in appearance. 

Jongin let’s the water cool down and drinks a bit, saving the rest back in the canteen and taking the clone’s example and sleeping. He still has his knife close by, even if he doesn’t think the clone is going to kill him. At least not for now. 

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

Kai starts walking on his own for the first time once Jongin has left for clear water. It’s been five weeks, if his memory doesn’t fail, since he thought he was left for dead in the cold open fields. Yet, he is still alive, clearly aided by a man who doesn’t seek to harm him. Which is extraordinary and terrifying at the same time. 

If he hasn’t killed him, he must want something from him. But what could he possibly want? Kai is an animal at best, his fellow clones didn’t even want him near them, not even for any form of carnal satisfaction. For that at least he can be grateful. 

He wanders around the cave slowly, not daring to stand upright because muscle memory tells him he must be on his knees all times. Still, he walks from wall to wall, testing the stability of his limbs. His torso is still sore but the wounds don’t hurt as much as they did before. 

Sometimes he thinks this is all but a blur, a brief glimpse into a more merciful life. He fears falling asleep at night because he may wake up under the stars again, bleeding out. Maybe Jongin truly wants nothing from him because Jongin is not real, at least not this one that has been feeding him and putting clean bandages over his chest. Jongin is heroic because he is fake, no man could be truly a saint, taking care of someone who has attempted to end the life of those you love. 

Yet Jongin comes and goes, bringing clean water and small fruits that he cuts in tiny pieces for both of them to share. He once left for an entire morning and came back grinning from ear to ear with a dead rabbit between his hands. And then he spent hours making sure it was edible. 

Kai rests against the rough surface of the cave’s walls, forehead brushing the stones softly, needing the coarse feeling to remind himself he is still alive, not dreaming, not hoping to be treated with kindness. 

And after all this time, it still feels strange to be treated with kindness.

“Hey!” the chirpy little voice of Jongin chimes as he walks into the small space “You look better!” he says, smiling softly. Then he tilts his head, brows furrowed, “Do you feel better?”

Kai nods, standing as upright as possible, but ducking his chin so as to not look threatening. He learnt from the others, to be small and docile with them, otherwise a beating was certain. 

“That’s good!” Jongin assures, getting closer to him and handing him the canteen and smiling when Kai grabs it quickly. 

As he walks around the cave, starting a fire to boil some water to throw the last bits of rabbit meat and some vegetables he found in the wreckage of what used to be a farm, Jongin starts to speak. And he talks softly, kindly, of what he calls his brothers, of years ago when there was peace and they lived together in a small village away in a valley. Jongin tells him he used to love using his power to reach the peak of the mountains at sunrise and watch the dawn from that vantage position. 

“One day the sun was... the horizon was so red,” he sighs, stirring the boiling water softly, “I knew something was going to happen. I knew our happiness was going to be over soon” Jongin sits back on his haunches, stares mindlessly ahead of him and for a second Kai is only fixated on the knife sitting on Jongin’s hip, terrified that he is going to have to use the last of his strength to teleport away and then die in a open field under the stars. 

Jongin turns to stare at him, “Did they tell you?” he asks, “Did they tell you were… you know…”

Kai raises his hand and points at him with his index. 

“Yeah, me.”

Kai nods. 

“How does that make you feel?” 

Kai shrugs, he has never known any other thing that being called “X-88” and one day “Kai”, because sometime ago Jongin was called Kai. 

“It must be strange,” Jongin leans against the cave’s wall, the shadows getting longer with the dusk, “to know nothing else but being someone else’s copy. Don’t you ever wish to be something else? To be yourself?”

He stares then, entirely too confused by why would Jongin ask something like that. Kai is nothing, it’s an animal, a creature deemed to stupid to be alive, but all too useful to his masters to be killed. Animals don’t have dreams, a dog’s only desire is to eat and sleep in a warm environment. Perhaps puppies dream of being loved, but rabid dogs don’t get to have such idle thoughts.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to speak like this to you,” Jongin apologizes. 

Perfect, holy, blessed, with a family and an identity. Jongin with dreams and hopes. Kai shakes his head and sits on his little corner of the cave, facing the sunset. 

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

“I found a house,” Jongin says a few days later, when the night has fallen and the fire inside the cave is the only source of light in between them.

Kai stares at him over his mouthful of chunky jackrabbit meat, his mismatched eyes giving him an eerie yet tender aura. Jongin’s lips turn into a smile for a brief moment, immediately schooling his face to a neutral expression. 

As days have turned into weeks, Jongin’s heart has melted. What was believed by EXO to be a dangerous beast, a treacherous monster, has proved to be only a wounded puppy. Or rather not. Puppies do not behave like this, like someone with a wretched heart, mistrusting every movement, backing against the wall when Jongin goes one more step further than usual. Kai is not a beast, he is just lost, a victim of hurt and pain, even if never answers when Jongin asks what happened. 

(Yes, he told him that was his name, writing in the dirt in broad daylight, when they walked outside for the first time. Jongin was excited to know they were equal in intellect and knowledge. Apparently, all of the clones are created to be a copy of their originals, up to detail with what they know and do not know. Jongin smiled brightly, the idly thought of Kai being as clumsy as him following him to sleep for a long night.) 

“It’s more like a shack, but…” he pauses, fidgeting with the edge of his vest. “It seems stable enough and it seems like a safe place to wait. If you want I can’t take you there. I know where my friends are…” Jongin found traces of Chanyeol’s distinctive burning marks in the trees, just a few kilometres ago, but was too concerned with what would happen with Kai if he just left, disappeared like nothing happened. “Maybe yours are looking for you, you have been missing for quite a while.”

Kai shakes his head. 

“They are not looking for you?” Jongin asks, tilting his head to the side. 

Kai shrugs, leans forward and uses his fingers to draw stick figures on the dirt. He draws four taller than the rest, divided into equal groups of five. He traces a circle around the group on the right and points to Jongin, then traces another around the left group and crosses them out. 

Jongin stares at him with a puzzled look for a moment, then something seems to click inside his mind. 

“They are not your friends,” he says. It’s more of a statement than a question, yet Kai nods anyways. It breaks Jongin’s heart.

He remembers Kyungsoo telling him that the strongest of hearts have faced the harshest of storms and he wonders just how damaged this man must be to be honest, so open about something so incredibly sad. 

Jongin thinks Kyungsoo would have been the first one to approach the dying clone that fateful day. It makes him smile as much as it breaks his heart in a thousand million pieces. 

“But they must be looking for you,” he adds a minute later, fighting to keep his tears at bay. 

Kai simply shrugs. 

“Well, either way, once I return to my… to EXO, you should be safer in there, in case you don’t want to return to your people”

The clone doesn’t answer. Or at least Jongin doesn’t see him answer. Kai simply blinks bleary, swallows the last of his food and turns around, resting on his back and closing his eyes tightly. 

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

Two days later, after the crack of dawn, Kai hears Jongin speaking to himself. He is muttering something that sounds like a prayer at first, asking for good weather and even peace. But then he whispers a name and Kai struggles to stay in his place, covered in the thin but still good blanket. 

“Kyungsoo,” he whispers, “if you can hear me, please teach me how to make eggs like you did. They were delicious.” Jongin sniffs, loud enough to let Kai know he is fighting to not cry out loud. 

It must be nice, Kai thinks a while later, pretending to wake up when Jongin touches his shoulder softly, to be missed so much that they pray for your soul, ask for you to come back. Kai wonders if he could feel that about someone. He supposes he can, since he is meant to be a copy of EXO’s 88, do exactly what he does, be what he is. 

Kai eats in silence the little food Jongin has provided for him, just a few berries with copious amounts of clear water that he stored in his canteen. 

“I’m thinking of leaving today,” Jongin says, breaking the tense silence between them. Kai looks at him with a questioning eyebrow. “What do you think about it? Are you ready to leave?” 

Kai supposes this is Jongin’s polite way of saying ‘I’m done with you’. He shrugs, crossing his legs as his back rests against the coarse surface of the cave’s walls. In a matter of days he’ll be a lone corpse walking down the hot sun, waiting until he is found and most likely beaten, starved and chained for straying away from the group. 

Honestly, death would be a better alternative after this sweet bliss of peace and tranquility.

“Then… we can… maybe leave in a few days?” “I’ll gather some more water and if you want you can come with me. You haven’t been out in a long time. You need to stretch your legs and watch the sunset outside!”

Kai watches him with what must be a very concerned expression. He feels dumbfounded, confused. There is something warm and kind coiling around his heart, pressuring it until it feels it may explode in tiny little pieces, yet he doesn’t resent this feeling. Must be Jongin’s loneliness talking for him, he then thinks, maybe the perfect 88 wants a bit of companionship like the one he is used to with EXO’s members, walking endlessly through the valleys and the forests, having at least a bit of normalcy amidst a war. 

Does Kai even care if he is just a subpar stand-in for a talking and happier powerful person if that means he will get a little bit more of the affection he so desperately needs but wasn’t aware that he craved? 

“Unless you don’t want to, that’s alright if you want,” Jongin hurries to say. 

It’s very nice to see Jongin flushes, it’s a very wonderful thing to witness someone live their emotions so freely. Kai shakes his head, a small, timid smile tugging the right corner of his mouth. 

“You want to go?” Jongin asks, always careful to not misread a sign. 

Kai nods. But then he thinks, what will be awaiting for him in that abandoned shack? Nothing, probably, only death and desolation in the long run. Being found, being beaten, etc. Torture, continuous and horrible torture, a torture that he may not even deserve. 

Sure he is a failure, a mistake compared to the perfect version he should have been, a hellish spawn opposed to the divinity ahead of him. Yet the divinity doesn’t treat him harshly. On the contrary, Jongin has been merciful, kind, even sweet. He traded anecdotes and stories for less scornful silences, Kai both unable to interrupt him and also unwilling to. It had been lovely to hear him speak of his brothers, of his former love killed by one of the clones (Xiumin had always been a vicious one) and of the things no one cared to know but Kai loved to hear (Jongin likes music, danced all around the campsite when they had a minute to pretend nothing bad was happening outside).

Kai stretches his hand and draws a symbol in the dirt before pointing at Jongin. 

“EXO?” the man asks, “They will be coming for me sooner or later. Actually the shack would be a clear spot for them to find me… maybe you should hide somewhere else when they come. After all I’ve done to save you, wouldn’t want EXO to be responsible for a senseless death.”

Kai draws in the dirt again, tracing another symbol, EXO’s one but upside-down. He looks up to make sure Jongin is watching before pointing at himself and then crossing the new symbol. 

“You don’t want to go back to them?” 

Kai shakes his head.

“They were cruel with you, weren’t they?”

Kai nods, movement tugging at his heartstrings and at his most physically painful memories. He draws a circle around EXO’s symbol and then points at himself, hoping his expression shows well the want, the need, the hope he has. 

Jongin understands him, makes an effort to understand him even when he can’t speak, he knows that if someone in EXO is good then the rest must be as well. Kai doesn’t want to fight them, is tired of being the beast used to scare the enemy. What is an enemy to him, anyway? He doesn’t have any interest in the conflict, wins nothing if the Red Force wins. He’ll most likely get thrown into a cell until he dies of starvation, maybe they will kill him slowly like they tried to do before, but not with efficiency since they know his tolerance to poison. 

So if Jongin can understand him, if his friends are as good as him or even half as good, no willing to save his life but to not kill him either, then maybe he’d be better off being called a traitor by those who see him as a mindless beast and running to those who see him as the enemy but still think of him as a person. 

“You…” Jongin starts, moving to kneel in front of Kai, who immediately imitates his position, “would want to… come with me? With us? With EXO?”

‘As long as they don’t kill me’, he would like to say. He nods, thinking that death is due anywhere he goes, he may as well find it with those who may be merciful with him and spare him further pain. 

“I think they may take some time to accept it but…” Jongin takes Kai’s hands in between his, both coarse and rough but feeling warm and sweet, like being cared for. “I’ll vouch for you. We’ll make up some language so I can understand you better and eventually they could come to understand you…”

Jongin’s smile is brighter than the sun. And even if Kai is insecure and doubtful, already regretting turning away from his masters in fear of being killed in retaliation for the death of one of the members of EXO, he smiles too, for Jongin is hugging him, sobbing like a child, whispering that he knew no one could be as bad as the Red Force makes them seem. 

Kai wants to believe too that maybe one day the rest of them, the rest of the made up monsters guided by selfish puppeteers, may find the path to redemption, to accept that their actions were wrong and misguided and move on to a better self. 

He doesn’t believe in it one bit but pretending he does make the night much shorter. 

°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°l||l°

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
